Oh Night, Divine...

We may be done with the past, but the past is never done with us.

Here's a little Christmas story.

It's been five years since my dad died.

15 years since I talked to him.

And yet, every time 'O Holy Night' plays during Christmas, I'm instantly reduced to tears.

My Father was a grifter and a con man, and truth be told, he never should have had children. He wasn't built for it. Too self-centered. Too 'injured' by the world. Completely assured that he'd been 'cheated' from success and his 'big score'.

There were very few things he did right, or that he gave to me in terms of positive experiences. One was taking me to the movies. He took me to see Boorman's Excalibur. Star Wars. Planet of the Apes. He loved Sci-Fi and Fantasy & passed that on to me through books and film and TV shows.

He also had an incredible voice, and loved singing. My mother would play piano, and the two of them would sing in amazing two-part harmony. Peter Paul & Mary. Simon and Garfunkel. It was astounding to watch them.

The clearest, most powerful memory I have of my father is one year... when I was about 10... we as a family went to Midnight Mass. "Because of the singing, the rest is bullshit." was the explanation given by my father.

And so, at midnight, I'm standing next to him. The pews are packed, and everyone is singing hymns... and his voice is cutting them all down to size. Powerful and clear and perfect.

"O, Holy Night" comes up and everyone is singing, and I look up at him as he pours everything in to the line "Fall, to your knees. Oh, hear the angel voices" His voice so clear and strong and operatic as tears coursed down his leathery cheeks.

and it's been 40-some years since that moment, and yet when that song comes on, I start welling up, and when that line is sung, I'm a wreck. choking and crying. Because I can hear him. So clearly in that moment. And I wish so much for him.

I wish we'd had a better life together.

I wish he'd known what he had in his children.

I wish more than anything, that he'd found a way to be happy.

instead, I'm drying my cheeks to the fading line... "Oh night, divine"